Tag Archives: Inspiration

Take a Hike

When you crack a good book, it’s easy to forget that someone toiled long, lonely hours to produce what you now so effortlessly hold in your hand. At some point somewhere, a writer sat alone in a room thinking, imagining, creating. He put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) with no guarantee of success, no promise of payout, no rules or roadmap to follow. Yet still he set out, steeling himself for the long, arduous road ahead, doing his damnest to remember always that the reward is in the journey, not the destination.

ups and downsIn this way, writing is much like hiking: there are a hell of a lot of ups and downs along your way to the summit, but that’s what makes the whole experience so profoundly satisfying. Along the trail you may encounter magnificent vistas where the entire mountain range spreads out before you, or you might find yourself mired in dark, choking forests where you can barely see ten feet in front of you. There are bleak, windswept ridges and dank, pungent hollows. Places where life springs abundant, others where it struggles to gain a toehold. Later, when you show people your pictures, they see you smiling atop some proud peak, exhausted but elated, battered but not beaten. Despite all the hard work, you accomplished what you set out to accomplish. And success is a beautiful thing, something people love sharing and appreciating.

backpack gearLess glamorous and typically uncelebrated are the countless hours you spent preparing for your adventure. The trips to EMS or REI or LL Bean, where you selected the right boots, the perfect pack, the vast array of backcountry gear you’ll need to survive on the trail. The practice hikes you took in the forest preserve or state park near your house. The route you mapped out, then double and triple checked. The emergency contacts you notified of your planned whereabouts. The field first aid course you completed…just in case. And, certainly not least of these, all the mental calisthenics you engaged in while convincing yourself that you were up to the momumental task ahead.

trash-binSimilarly, no one ever sees an author’s first or second or tenth drafts. No one pores over his outlines and notes, seeing all the scratch marks and revisions. No one counts the crumpled sheets of paper in his wastebasket or the deleted paragraphs in his computer’s recycle bin. No one realizes how many nights he’s lain awake in bed contemplating a particularly irksome character conflict or plot hole. No one really grasps that for every minute you spend reading, the author spent an hour or two or ten writing, revising, and polishing those same words. Instead, all the reader sees – because it is all the reader is meant to see – is the author’s triumphant summit photo, the culmination of all his hard work, that perfect snapshot.

Summit

This is the magic of good writing. It allows us to pretend that all the author’s prep work, all his practice and toil, all his false starts and missteps, never occurred. It tricks us into believing that his story always existed, a perfectly-wrought conflict between perfectly-formed characters in a perfectly-rendered world. It’s an expert illusion, one that authors and, indeed, all types of artists, have been practicing for millennia. And we’re happy being deceived. When words flow effortlessly off a page or when brushstrokes come alive on a canvas or when the very music we listen to seems to dance with life, we forget about the writer or painter or musician. All we see is beauty, pure and magnificent, an expression of something we cannot ourselves articulate, but to which we can all relate in some primal way.

For now, I’m still gathering my gear, planning my route, building stamina and strength. I’ve summitted some minor peaks in the meantime: I’ve finished my first novel, built this website and a small but thriving Facebook fan page, written several short stories I really like, and continued sending out submissions in the hopes of getting published…all while pressing forward with my second novel. I know I’m making progress even though the summit isn’t yet in sight. I can feel it out there, waiting.

Even if you don’t tag along with me through all my preparations, all my practice runs, I hope you’ll join me at the summit someday. I hear the view’s incredible.


Start your engines!

Last year I wrote a blog post about speed writing. I’ve never been a particularly fast writer (it took me eighteen months to draft my first novel, Bent), and it’s been an ongoing struggle for me to quit editing so much as I write. Without even realizing it, my right-hand middle finger darts up to the delete button, flipping me off (and cackling maniacally, I imagine) as it erases the offending word, phrase, or sentence I just wrote. It’s as if that finger has a mind of its own, as if it thinks it’s better than me. I try to keep the little bastard on a short leash, but as soon as I relax my guard, there it goes again, running off to undo all the hard work I just did.

middle finger

What’s the big deal with editing as you write, you might ask? For some, I’m sure, it works just fine, but I’ve come to the conclusion that writing slowly – that nitpicking every last word – is akin to committing inspirational suicide. In the few seconds it takes me to correct a typo or rephrase something I just wrote, my train of thought careens off the tracks, coming to a shuddering halt. Sure, another train will come thundering by eventually, but who knows when that will be? Seconds, perhaps, or maybe a few long minutes as I sit staring at my monitor, the blinking cursor reminding me that whatever groove I was in has vanished…maybe for good.

Train of Thought

Writing Bent, my quota was 350 words (about 1 typeset page) per day. I had good days when I’d pump out double or triple that amount, but I also had bad days when I was lucky to hit triple digits. In the end I finished the book, but sometimes I wonder how many great ideas I lost because I was simply too busy backspacing to allow my imagination free rein. Lots, I’m sure, which is a damn shame.

After many months trying to train myself to let go and just write, I finally acknowledged that perhaps I needed some help. Thus, while perusing a number of books on the topic, I stumbled upon Alan Watt’s The 90-Day Novel. An award-winning fiction writer and founder of LA Writers Lab, Watt has compiled a guide for writers who have stories to tell, but who get bogged down in the process of telling them. Through a series of daily stream-of-consciousness exercises, Watt teaches you to inquire into the world of your story, to explore your characters and their motivations while “holding it all loosely” so as not to choke the life from it. He advocates trusting your instincts, giving yourself permission to write poorly [while drafting], and remembering that there are absolutely no wrong answers here. This is your story.

I’m thrilled to report that in the thirteen days I’ve been following this program, I’ve written 40k words. (By way of comparison, it took me six months to hit that mark while writing Bent.) Are they pretty? No. Lyrical? Uh uh. Ready to hit the presses? Definitely not. But you know what? I don’t care! I’m writing! I’m allowing inspiration to flow freely from my fingertips, and most of the time I can barely keep up as the ideas pour out. And since I’m holding it all loosely instead of trying to force it, I’m discovering new possibilities I hadn’t previously considered. My characters have come to life in a really exciting way, and have essentially begun telling their own story. I don’t worry if I’m not sure what happens next; I trust that together, my characters and I will figure it out.

Formula One World Championship

I’ve been writing seriously for three and a half years and for the most part, have loved every minute of it. The past two weeks, though, have been especially fun and I’m hopeful that, with Watt’s guidance, I’ve turned a new leaf. If I keep writing at this pace, I’ll finish drafting my second novel, Time Lapse, late this summer. My engine is revved and I’ve got my eyes on the finish line.

Here we go!


Remember to drink your creative juice

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I say, if that’s the case, maybe I’m in the wrong business!

As a writer, I don’t spend a ton of time thinking about pictures and drawings. Sure, I’ve scribbled my fair share of doodles on cocktail napkins and pieces of scrap paper, and I’ve even been known to spend an hour or two working on a drawing or acrylic painting.

A simple acrylic I painted several years ago to brighten up our bathroom. The Met hasn't called yet...

A simple acrylic I painted several years ago to brighten up our bathroom. The Met hasn’t called yet…

Back when I was in college (way back, it feels like now), I considered double-majoring in studio art. I loved ceramics – especially hand-building with coils and slabs – but that plan was derailed when I realized I really didn’t enjoy the technical precision required by print-making and drawing (prerequisites for an art major). Clay was so much more forgiving, and the process felt much more organic to me.

Kind of like how writing feels to me today.

My favorite piece that I made in college, most definitely inspired by H.R. Giger's work.

My favorite piece that I made in college, most definitely inspired by H.R. Giger’s work.

Writers often talk about what a lonely pursuit writing is. I can understand why someone might argue this – after all, we spend so much time holed up inside our own heads, imagining characters, places, and scenes, that it can be easy to forget that there’s an enormous, dynamic world out there full of real people doing real things – but personally, I don’t find writing lonely at all. I find that writing allows me to live in two worlds at once. There’s the real world – the one where I have a wife, an apartment in Chicago, a loving family, great friends, and a day job – but then, running parallel to it, there’s this whole other world – a world that exists only in my imagination (until I commit it to paper). Within this other world, I get to live vicariously through my characters, experiencing things I never will in real life, suffering and triumphing with them, following along as they visit places that may not actually even exist. I’ll be the first to confess that I have a whole bunch of imaginary friends (some of them not particularly nice)…and I’m damn proud of it!

Lately, I’ve been exploring another kind of world. Not the real world, nor the imaginary world I inhabit while writing (and reading), but a world just as rich and textured – just as inspiring – as both of these others: the world of pictures. For the past month or so, I’ve been seeking out (and sharing on my Facebook and Twitter pages) images that speak to me, that tell a story, that open a window to another time and place. And while I’ve always appreciated art in its many forms – including paintings and drawings – I must admit that I’ve been unprepared for just how powerful these images have proven, how, in an instant, they elicit a whole backstory in my mind. How they truly are worth a thousand (or more) words.

Here are a few of my favorites that I’ve uncovered thus far, along with the blurbs they inspired me to write:

I see the Chicago of tomorrow. How about you? (Artist: Scott Richard http://bit.ly/1fzyO0v)

I see the Chicago of tomorrow. How about you? (Artist: Scott Richard http://bit.ly/1fzyO0v)

medical_city_final_by_cloudminedesign-d5xgzxa

A 22nd century medical center researching the latest life-preserving technologies, or a top-secret lab conducting illegal biomedical experiments? You decide... (Artist: Christian Quinot http://bit.ly/1lOq0rA)

A 22nd century medical center researching the latest life-preserving technologies, or a top-secret lab conducting illegal biomedical experiments? You decide… (Artist: Christian Quinot http://bit.ly/1lOq0rA)

What's waiting on the other side of that door? And are those bloody footprints? (Artist: ATArts http://bit.ly/1nNdBoS)

What’s waiting on the other side of that door? And are those bloody footprints? (Artist: ATArts http://bit.ly/1nNdBoS)

Your [robotic] doctor will be right with you. Just try to relax... (Artist: Mathieu Latour-Duhaime http://bit.ly/1m0A1Sw)

Your [robotic] doctor will be right with you. Just try to relax… (Artist: Mathieu Latour-Duhaime http://bit.ly/1m0A1Sw)

If you listen closely, you can almost hear the tortured screams of the test subjects at this clandestine biomedical research compound buried deep within the Borneo jungle. (Artist: Aaron Sims http://bit.ly/1iVwqWk)

If you listen closely, you can almost hear the tortured screams of the test subjects at this clandestine biomedical research compound buried deep within the Borneo jungle. (Artist: Aaron Sims http://bit.ly/1iVwqWk)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What do all of these images have in common? They all set my neurons ablaze. They prompt me to ask questions, to imagine what might be going on behind closed doors, to think about what might be possible tomorrow or the day after that. And as a writer, this kind of creative “juicing” is invaluable. So far I haven’t written any full stories about the pictures I’ve found, but the seeds are there, planted just beneath the surface, waiting to germinate.

Keep your eyes on my FB page and Twitter feed to see more images like this, as well as links to news stories and videos that capture my inner science geek. Hopefully you’ll find them as interesting as I do.


MacGyver was a badass

MacGyver was a badass. Give the guy a paper clip, some matches, a pocket knife, and a roll of duct tape, and in a minute or two he’d build you a fully functional bomb. Not a bomb for killing, mind you (Mac never killed. He didn’t even like holding guns.), but handy for, say, blowing open a locked door to save the girl or disabling the bad guy’s getaway car. He possessed the uncanny ability to transform everyday objects into powerful tools and, hokey as it may sound, I credit him with helping me see that the whole is often greater than the sum of its parts.

“But Evan,” you ask, “what about that mullet of his?”

macgyver

Ah, well, no one’s perfect. I’m willing to overlook his style blunders, as I’m quite certain I’m guilty of my own share of fashion faux pas. (My Aunt Michelle would be glad to detail them for you; I’m convinced she keeps a list somewhere of every questionable outfit I’ve ever worn.) So, regardless of whether you dig his dreamy locks, let’s agree that some things just are: summer follows spring, the opposite of up is down, MacGyver was a badass.

Mac isn’t the only one who laid claim to my boyhood heart. Even before he came into my life, I loved Sir David Attenborough, with his melodic British accent and knack for breaking complex scientific principles into simple, layman’s terms. It’s going on thirty years, but I can still picture him standing next to a Hawaiian volcano in his familiar orange slicker, explaining how the lava formed tubes as it cooled. The tubes were like subway tunnels, the lava like freight trains speeding through them on a one way trip to the sea. Awesome, let me tell you!

Attenborough

Some time after the PBS miniseries The Living Planet aired in 1985, while out on an errand with my mom one day (or so the story goes), I thought I might stump her with a bit of trivia I’d picked up from the good Sir. “Mom,” I said, “do you know what we’re driving on?” She smelled a trap, but wasn’t sure what angle I would take. “Middle Road?” she hazarded. When I shook my head, she tried again. “Tar?” Nope, strike two. After letting her sweat for a minute, I declared, quite matter-of-factly: “Mom, we’re driving on molten lava!” Okay, so my science wasn’t exact, but don’t blame David Attenborough for that. He taught me to observe the world around me – to look under every rock, peer into every hole, and study every mystery.

Around this same time, studying one mystery or another, I discovered C.S. Lewis’s magical realm, Narnia. Suddenly, a new world beckoned – one every bit as real and textured as my world, but where anything was possible. Where animals spoke, where winter lasted a hundred years, and where an ordinary boy, not unlike myself, might reign as a wise and gentle king. I devoured the seven-book series and for the first time, found true delight in reading.

The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

Later, as an anxious thirteen-year-old interviewing for admittance to St. Paul’s School in Concord, NH, I was asked to name my favorite author. “C.S. Lewis,” I answered without hesitation. “Have you heard of him?” My interviewer, as I recall, was a jovial man named Mr. Green (not to be confused with Colonel Mustard or Professor Plum), and he found this question quite amusing. Little did I know that C.S. Lewis was, besides a beloved children’s author, a well known theologian. Whatever he is, to me, he will always remain the master of Narnia, the man who taught me to love books.

In the winter of 1999, I discovered a different sort of magical realm while visiting my cousin, Sean, in Ireland. Having wandered into a Virgin Records store one afternoon in Dublin, I happened upon a lonely set of headphones connected to a sample of Radiohead’s OK Computer. In the blurb above the display, one reviewer had dubbed the album “the Dark Side of the Moon of the 90’s.” I had never been a huge Radiohead fan, but of course, being the semi-hip twenty-year-old I was, had heard Creep, Fake Plastic Trees, and High and Dry about a thousand times each on the radio.

When I slipped those headphones on and hit play, my world changed.

For months after returning to the States, I would drive around with my friend, Chris, in his old Camry wagon (the car in which I learned to drive stick) blasting OK Computer through his Rockford Fosgates and Pioneer 6×9’s, trying to decipher just what in the hell Thom Yorke was singing about. Have you ever tried figuring out his lyrics? Good luck, that’s all I have to say. We never cheated, though, never peeked at the jacket liner for a hint, and when we finally did manage to pick out a particularly garbled word or phrase, felt more than a little proud of ourselves. It was part of the magic for us, and when I think about all of the hours I’ve spent with Thom, Johnny, Colin, Ed, and Phil, I can’t begin to imagine what my life would be like without them and their sonic alchemy. Suffice to say I don’t want to imagine that life.

radiohead

These days, my hero is a guy named Steve. You’ve probably heard of him – maybe you love him, too, or maybe you can’t stand him. Maybe you just don’t care. Whatever – it’s cool. Everyone’s entitled to his or her own opinion. But regardless, just as summer follows spring, the opposite of up is down, and MacGyver was a badass, I hope we can all agree that Stephen King is a master of his craft, a trueborn storyteller, a cultural icon of our times.

king

I read Carrie first, which seemed fitting since it was his first published novel. It was a quick read – one hundred seventy pages, give or take – raw and gritty. When I finished, I read about it. I learned that King, after writing the opening scene, tossed it in the garbage, certain no one would care to read a story about a telekinetic teen’s first menstruation. Fortunately his wife, Tabby, fished it from the waste basket and urged him to keep at it. He did, the book sold, and the rest is history. Now I keep a King quote taped to the inside cover of my writing journal:

“I persisted because I was dry and had no better ideas…my considered opinion was that I had written the world’s all-time loser.” [i]

On my worst days, when I’m convinced I’ll never publish any of my work and that it’s all a bunch of garbage, this helps remind me that we all have insecurities, that even someone as accomplished as Stephen King isn’t immune to doubt. And then I pick myself up and move forward, because in the end, whether I’m published or not, I am a writer. It’s in my blood.

All of these men – MacGyver, Sir David Attenborough, C.S. Lewis, the members of Radiohead, Stephen King – have, in their own ways, played a part in my life story. And because I write from my own life’s experience (not necessarily about it, but certainly informed by it), I must give credit where credit’s due. Not only did these men help spark the fires of curiosity, ingenuity, and creativity that burn within me, but over the years, they’ve continued to stoke the flames, inspiring me to pursue my own dream of, in some small way, changing the world, making a difference to some boy or girl, man or woman, who sits down on a rainy afternoon with one of my stories.

And who knows? With a little luck, maybe one day someone who is touched by my work, who’s excited and inspired by it, will call me a badass, too. Until then, I’ve got my paper clip, matches, pocket knife, and duct tape at the ready…just in case.


[i] King, Stephen (February 1980). “On Becoming a Brand Name”. Adelina Magazine: 44


Speed Writing

I am not a speedy writer. Well, let me qualify. Ideas come quickly most of the time, but in transposing them from brain to paper, I bog myself down with questions: Can I word this better? Is this clear? What does this scene really look like? Would this character really say that? This tendency, I believe, originally stemmed from my previously-mentioned fear of revising. Now that I know not to fear revision, though, I see another cause: I feel that if I don’t nail a scene/character/conversation/etc. the first time around, I’ll be building everything that follows upon an unstable foundation. Makes sense, right?

The problem with this line of thinking, however, is twofold. First, while I allow myself to be preoccupied with minute details, the story languishes in the deep recesses of my mind. I home in on one little thing – how does this room look, for example – while ignoring the big picture – what’s happening in this room? Of course I eventually get to the ‘what,’ but sometimes I’ve waited so long that the creative spark has fizzled and then it feels more like pulling teeth than writing.

That brings up the second issue: the longer I toil on a particular scene, the more questions I start asking myself. Don’t get me wrong – questions (and their solutions) are good. But questioning too much breeds self-doubt, and that’s one of the most insidious and omnipresent dangers a writer faces. Second-guessing can drag you to a halt. I remember reading something (can’t remember where now) by an author (can’t remember who) that said (and I’m paraphrasing): “I write as fast as I can to outrun doubt.”

I really tried to spur myself along as I wrote Bent, but despite my best efforts, I still found myself rereading, tweaking, polishing as I went. This was gratifying in some ways, maddening in others. I wonder now how many brilliant ideas flitted right out of head while I was busy correcting a grammar mistake or eliminating a word I’d repeated in the same paragraph – fixes that easily could have been completed during the revision phase rather than the composition phase.

So now, I’m about 3,000 words into Time Lapse, and I really am trying to write differently this time, just to see what happens. It’s not easy to change the way I’ve always written and the method that witnessed the completion of my first book, but I want to give it a try. I want to see if I can outrun doubt and get my vision down on paper before I dress it up and send it out into the world. Maybe I’ll be surprised at the result. Maybe I’ll find that inspiration flows more readily when I don’t try to bottle it right away, but instead let it shoot right out of my brain like some mental fire hose.

Stay tuned.

ETH


Dealing with rejection

Rejection stings. As if anyone who survived middle school needs to be told…

Rationally I understand I’m going to have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my (publishing) prince, but it’s still a drag when someone says “thanks but no thanks” to the story I spent nearly two years crafting. It’s awfully hard not to take it personally, to start questioning my work as well as my dream. Just remember, I tell myself, NO story appeals to everyone. You just need to knock on the right door, find the right person. It’s true, I know, but patience is not one of my virtues.

So on I trudge, doing my best to keep chin up, spirits high, and optimism flowing. Someone will like this book of mine!

ETH


Checking in after a long absence

Two years have flown by so fast it’s scary.

I completed the draft of my first novel – a sci/fi thriller called Bent – last fall. Writing it, while incredibly gratifying, was probably the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. The writing, itself, wasn’t hard. That’s not to say I didn’t toil over some scenes until my eyes went blurry, but the true challenge was sustaining my spirits over the course of the eighteen months it took to complete. Some days I was awash with confidence, certain that I was penning the next chart-topper. Other days I knew without a doubt that whatever drivel I’d managed to spout up to that point would never see the light of day, consigned to some literary purgatory far, far from any eager readers. The highs were great; the lows excruciating.

Yet on I wrote, one word after another, weaving sentences into paragraphs, pages into chapters, until, at last, on September 7, I wrote the final two words every author longs to see at the bottom of the page: the end.

After letting it marinate for a month (thanks for that suggestion, Stephen King!), I began revising. Those who know me are aware that I harbor an irrational fear of the revision process, dating back to high school when I was required to chop a twenty-page paper to ten – the most difficult writing assignment I ever undertook (until Bent, of course). Consequently, I wrote my draft with painstaking slowness, hoping that I was nailing every word so that I wouldn’t have to revise a thing. Yeah, that didn’t work.

To my surprise, I really enjoyed revising, and I can laugh now when I remember how frightened I was to begin. Between October and December, I chopped nearly 25k words (of the original 130k) from the draft while cleaning, polishing, and reworking the parts that remained. Just before Christmas, satisfied that I’d whipped it into shape, I printed five copies for my first beta readers. Up until that point, no one had read a word. Nerve-wracking!

Initial response has been very positive. I’ve fielded a number of helpful criticisms, some of which I implemented, some of which I filed away as “that’s interesting, but I don’t think I’m going to use it.” For the most part, I just wanted to know whether the story was entertaining and the characters believable. From the feedback I received, the answer is yes.

In January I began working on my query letter (for those who aren’t familiar, this is a one-page pitch to literary agents consisting of a high-level synopsis of the story, an introduction to me as the author, and an explanation of why I’m contacting that specific agent for representation). I soon discovered that this little one-page letter was, in many ways, more difficult to write than the book itself. When you have 350 pages to make an impression, there’s not nearly as much pressure to make each and every word pop as there is when you’ve got one lonely page to sell yourself and your work. I joined an online forum and got some great feedback which helped me hone my query into a sharp little missile of self-promotion, then began sending it out.

Just when I thought I’d jumped through the last hoop, I discovered that many agents also request a detailed plot synopsis (yeah, try condensing an entire novel into a page or two while maintaining narrative voice) and author bio. Back to the drawing board I went and produced these two additional submission samples.

I’ve now queried nine agents, received three rejections and one request for a partial manuscript for further review. Upon receiving the first rejection, I could scarcely contain my excitement. Many agents have a “if we’re not interested, we won’t reply” statement on their websites, so the fact that someone took the time to write back and say “thanks but no thanks” was incredibly validating. I’d been noticed! You can imagine how excited I was when an agent e-mailed me to tell me how intriguing my premise was, asking to see more. So the waiting game continues. Nothing moves particularly fast in this business and I’m just going to have to deal with that. But damn it, I want to know! Meanwhile, I’m continuing to search for agents and sending out additional submissions. After all, John Grisham received something like 28 rejections for A Time to Kill before someone finally bit. And J.K. Rowling only made it when an agent’s daughter picked up the manuscript he’d brought home, read the first three chapters, and promptly asked for the rest. You just never know when lightning will strike.

And last week, I began my next project, another sci-fi/thriller tentatively called Time Lapse. Regardless of what happens with Bent, I’m moving forward, pursuing my passion. What more can I ask for?

I intend to make regular updates to this blog now, describing my progress, thoughts, and challenges as I write Time Lapse while also tracking my attempt to publish Bent. I hope you find this interesting and will follow along with me. Please feel free to share this link, too, with anyone you believe might enjoy it.

Off I go!

ETH


Gee but it’s great to be back home…

For nearly eight and a half years, I’ve lived 1,000 miles from home.

After all that time, New Hampshire is still home in my mind and heart, as I imagine it will always be in many ways. I often wonder what other people think and feel when they reflect on the meaning of home, for I believe my family and I have had a unique and wonderful opportunity to experience a deep sense of connection and belonging to the place we call home by virtue of our tradition and longevity. The farm is not just a place, but rather a member of our family, replete with 380 years of history and memories. It shares its story with me every time I visit, not through spoken language, but by subtler means: a breeze whispering through rows of corn, the smell of freshly harrowed earth, or the crunch of frost beneath my boots as I traverse the pasture below my grandparents’ house.

pasture

Now, I experience the strongest connection to the place and all its history on my late-night (or early-morning, as the case may be) walks from my grandparents’ to my mom’s, and this always reminds me of Grandpa once saying: “I get my religion watching the sun come up in the cornfield.” I imagine him cutting lettuce or digging carrots early in the morning, dew clinging to the tender leaves, the silence broken only by sparrows and crows taking flight, as he continues along the path that nine generations of Tuttles blazed before him. And in my own way, as I walk alone through the delicate early-morning silence on the farm, I find a religion of sorts as I marvel at the sheer magnitude of all that came before me and that which, even now, allows me to revel in these moments of joy and wonder.

When I left NH to “head west young man, head west,” I reached Grinnell with equal parts excitement and trepidation. My application essay (which I lament has been lost) told the story of a boy who loved his home, but who now hoped to bloom into a man by exploring the world in the newer, larger cornfields of Iowa. Indeed, my years at Grinnell altered my trajectory in ways which will, no doubt, continue to manifest themselves throughout my life (If in no other way, at least by allowing me the small pleasure of facetiously responding, “Childhood dream” to the query: “How did you end up at school in Iowa?”). Though my intention always was to return to NH and become involved in the farm and business, it was important for me to find my own place and purpose in the world, to test myself.

The ink still wet on my Anthropology degree, I moved to Chicago, the City of Big Shoulders, land of deepdish pizza and those “loveable losers” the Cubs, in August of 2002. What an adventure! Lucy and I found a small apartment, I got a job selling cars, and I imagined that living in Chicago would be exciting for a year or two before I returned home to begin building a life for myself on the farm. Of course, a year or two turned into a few years, which turned into five, which now has turned into the better part of a decade. I’m currently working my 5th job, living in my 5th apartment, and (phew!) only on my 2nd girlfriend, but Chicago has, over the years, become a familiar and comfortable place to me. It’s become my adoptive home as I’ve built a relationship with Marta, cultivated many close friendships, and started a career.

In October, 2009, I learned what I might have suspected for at least a year or two: that Mom and Uncle Will would, born of necessity, be listing the farm and store for sale within 6-12 months if business didn’t stage a dramatic about-face. We had all known, I think, that a tipping point was approaching, but this notion only became “real” to me when Mom and Will sat me down one afternoon in the tractor shed to tell me just how bad things had gotten. My mind churned constantly for the next few months trying to think of something – anything – that would forestall the loss of the farm and the traditions our family has built upon it. No small amount of that time was spent second-guessing myself, asking myself what might have been different if I had returned or even if I had never left. Would I have been able to prevent this? Could I have saved the farm? There are some questions life puts to us that may never be answered – questions like these. I will never know if I could have made a difference, but I will always wonder.

As I sat at Grandpa’s bedside on a cold December evening in 2002, looking upon the shell of a man who had always been a hero to me, I spoke to him privately of how important the farm was to me, how fortunate I felt to be part of something so meaningful, and how proud I was to be his grandson. That night, I promised him I’d return one day and find my place as part of our family’s nearly four-century tradition. This was not a commitment I took lightly, but I knew then, as I’d always known, that my purpose and future were intertwined with the ancestors my grandfather would soon join. Grandpa died later that night, and now that the sale of the farm is inevitable, I will never have the opportunity to fulfill the promise I made to him. I am certain, though, that Grandpa will forgive me, because in spite of the concern he undoubtedly felt about the farm’s future, I know that his children and grandchildren’s happiness was more important to him than the continuation of a tradition which was already fading when he passed.

Gee

A yellowed newspaper clipping on my old bedroom door reads: “Gee but it’s great to be back home…home is where I want to be,” a snippet from an old Simon and Garfunkel song hung there by Mom when I returned from St. Paul’s in 1993, a scared and homesick high school freshman. I’ve lived 1,000 miles from home for eight and a half years, but the farm will always be my home whether the name “Tuttle” is on the deed or if, after this incredible run, a new name is signed on the dotted line. We have all made lives, some on the farm, some far from it, but because of our shared origins – our home – we will always be a part of something much larger than ourselves. And that can never be taken from us.


Opening the Door

I’ve always thought I’d enjoy being a writer, but what to write about? The lightning bolt of inspiration that I imagine all authors receive had long eluded me until last week, when I finally hatched an idea for a story. Since then, I’ve been making notes and trying to flesh it out so that I feel like I have a place to start and a path to follow as I begin putting this down on paper.

Generally, I don’t have trouble coming up with ideas I think are marketable for inventions, businesses, websites, and so forth, but the motivation to see these ideas through to fruition has been difficult for me to muster. My tendency is to come up with an idea and then promptly talk myself out of pursuing it by reasoning that I don’t have the know-how, the resources, the time, the connections, etc. to realize it. Really, though, I just haven’t had the courage. I’ve already “written” my own story, and in it I’m an underachiever who has great ideas but simply can’t execute them.

That pattern needs to stop now. When I look at my life and realize that something isn’t working or that I’m not happy with what I’m doing, I need to make a change. No longer can I wait for life to open doors that I simply may walk through, but rather I must begin opening doors for myself. And the first door that must be unlocked is the one that leads to self-confidence and the belief that I CAN and WILL pursue my dream to write.